Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good
and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,
things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given
a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They
were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends
who asked what the two were celebrating.
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal
security system get under way immediately. The robbers
expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash
and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of
smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the
robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. "Well,"
said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."
They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing
but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all
the safes were opened and there was not one dollar, a
diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all
the safes contained containers of pudding. Disappointed,
each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with
nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The following morning, a Dublin newspaper HEADLINE read:
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."
O'Malley Dies In Vat
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was
an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the
rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and
collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she
looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness
Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman discussing their wives...
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a
bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid.
Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300
worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even
have a fridge to keep it in."
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says
his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and
spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't
even know how to drive!"
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman
sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and
got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife
is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he
chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I
watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about
100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"
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