☺On the Lighter Side...: Happy St. Patrick's Day

Irishman Goes to Bar...

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long
 illness.  The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed
 and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news
 for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured.  I'd
 give you two weeks to a month."

 Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
 character, managed to compose himself and walk from the
 doctor's office into the waiting room.  There he saw his
 son who had been waiting.

 Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good
 and celebrate when things don't go so well.  In this case,
 things aren't so well.  I have cancer and I've been given
 a short time to live.  Let's head for the pub and have a
 few pints."
 After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little
 less somber.  There were some laughs and more beers.  They
 were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends
 who asked what the two were celebrating.

 Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the
 bad.  He went on to tell them that they were drinking to
 his impending end.  He told his friends "I've only got few
 weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

 The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
 couple more beers.  After his friends left, Murphy's son
 leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought
 you said that you were dying from cancer?  You just told
 your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

 Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son.  I just don't
 want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Irish Gang Robs A Bank

A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating
 over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.  After a
 lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it.
 In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and
 embark on their plans to get rich.

 Once inside the bank,  efforts at disabling the internal
 security system  get  under way immediately.  The robbers
 expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash
 and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of
 smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
 The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the
 robbers found  only a bowl of vanilla  pudding. "Well,"
 said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."
 They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing
 but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all
 the safes were opened and there was not one dollar, a
 diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found.  Instead, all
 the safes contained containers of pudding.  Disappointed,
 each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with
 nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
 The following morning, a Dublin newspaper HEADLINE read:
 "IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."

O'Malley Dies In Vat  

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim
 Finnegan arrives at her door.
 "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.  "I've somethin' to tell ya."
 "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But
 where's my husband?"
 "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.  There was
 an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
 "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."
 "I must, Brenda.  Your husband Seamus is dead and gone.
 I'm sorry."
 Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the
 rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and
 collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes.  Finally she
 looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
 "It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness
 Stout and drowned."
 "Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did
 he at least go quickly?"
 "Well, no Brenda......no."
 "No?"
 "Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman discussing their wives...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a
 bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
 The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid.
 Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300
 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even
 have a fridge to keep it in."
 The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says
 his  wife is thicker.  "Just last week, she went out and
 spent $17,000 on a new car,"  he laments,  "and she doesn't
 even know how to drive!"
 The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman
 sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and
 got hit by every branch.  However, he still thinks his wife
 is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he
 chuckles.  "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece.  I
 watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about
 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"


And remember...

 

Clip art copyrighted by Bobbie Peachey, http://webclipart.about.com