☺On The Lighter Side... Politics Through a Child's Eyes

POLITICS THROUGH A CHILD'S EYES...

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother,we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Thanks Will!

☺On The Lighter Side... Google Search Bingos!

GOOGLE SEARCH BINGOS!
Where they always know what you're searching for before you do!

☺On The Lighter Side... Judas Asparagus

JUDAS ASPARAGUS

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

☺On The Lighter Side...Top 10 Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women (With Top 10 Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men)

Top 10 Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women (With Top 10 Reasons Women Prefer Guns Over Men)

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22 AND nobody gets hurt.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road AND nobody gets hurt.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman is...

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

  10 Reasons Why Women Prefer Guns Over Men

#10. You can easily trade that snubby in for something with a longer barrel.

#9. You can keep a gun clean with a little Hoppe's and some elbow grease.

#8. A gun never complains about the fit of its holster.

#7. A gun doesn't need to watch a bad Western on video before you take it to the range.

#6. Too many rounds and shots over the years don't cause the trigger guard to grow and sag.

#5. You can carry a gun in your pants all day without it becoming a pest.

#4. A gun doesn't complain if you want to spend more than 15 minutes at the range.

#3. Emission of noxious gases is always under your control.

#2. A gun doesn't call you a tease after you do a bit of dry fire.

#1. A gun doesn't need to take a nap after each shot.

 

☺On the Lighter Side... A Lawyer Riding in his Limo ...

A LAWYER RIDING HIS LIMO...

A lawyer riding in his limo sees two men along the roadside, eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have money for food," says he. "We have to eat grass."

The lawyer says, "Come home with me and I'll feed you."

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other man, he said, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But, sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me."

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for thinking of all of us."

The lawyer replied, "Think nothing of it. You'll love my place. The grass is at least a foot high."

☺On The Lighter Side.. A Woman's Week At The Gym

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to all you ladies (and men) who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine... and failed.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

FRIDAY:I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

THE END

☺On The Lighter Side... Get Out of the Car!

GET OUT OF THE CAR!

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.  

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it!  Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat.  They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.  She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then she realised why.  It was for the same reason she had sondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. 

Moral of the story?

If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable.

Before and After...

☺On The Lighter Side... Trying to Have a Picnic - International Style

'REDNECK' TRANSLATION:
It was a beautiful day and a mother wanted to take her two children and her husband out for the day.  Here's her story...

I've decided it was time for me to take the family out for a picnic, so I shouted, "Ok everyone, let's haul Ass and get the hell out of here!  So we gathered up all the food and liquour and headed towards the beach - after all, it was a fine day and an even better day for swimming with the young ones, I thought.  As we were approaching the beach, the little one hollard:

Hey mamma, I think I seen a vagina down on the beach.

A what?", I wondered.

A vagina!  Me too, me too mamma!
I see a vagina and a cock and a....
Shito!  Ok kids, just close those eyes and don't look untill we get to our spot, you here me?

Where?  Where?  Where? replied their pappa, Bubba.
So I told him:

Bubba!  Don't be a prick!  You get them there eyeballs back in the them sockets if you know what is food for you!

Later on that evening after hours of playing, the kids were starting to get hungry...

What in the world are we having for picnic Mamma?  We are starving? 
Oh darling, mamma did great.  I got me here a bounty of goodies for the whole family from all over the world.

We got some JussiPussi rolls from Findland, some MegaPussi!, some Jamaican cock soup, cock bacon, some fine Bra yogurt all the way from Sweden.  Then in this here basket I got me some Super Titi for you kids, some Spotted Dick I whipped up in the microwave before coming here.  Some...

"Damn sweetipie, all this here talk of food is sure making me horny... I mean hungry.  Can we just eat already."

Bubba, I'm starting to get tired of your shit!  If you don't shut your trap hole I'm going to kick you in the nuts then grab them here Donkey Balls I got for the young ones and shove it up your ass!

You got that Bubba?
I'm sorry sugarbun.  I just couldn't help it.  You were starting to give me a woody. a erektus...

WHACK!  That's It!  We are going home!
Kids, get away from that barb wire fence and pack your things because we are going home!

Your pappa is being a real Big Ass, a real flake, and a real dirty old Fart, and we sure as hell won't be sticking around to see him Wack Off! in front of strangers!

Kids get in the Chevrolet and shut them doors, just don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

This here is the last time we will be going on a picnic with your pappa!  You know he's a beer short of a six-pack and about as sexy as socks on a billy goat.

Damn, I have seen halloween pumpkins with more teeth than your pappa.  Next time we will be going to Georgia or somewhere over yonder!  The End

☺On The Lighter Side... The Loving Couple

THE LOVING COUPLE

Bill sat alone in the hospital room at his dying wife's beside. It was difficult to hear her above the many life sustaining devices, as her voice was little more than a hoarse whisper.

"Bill darling," she breathed. "I've got a confession to make before I go... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe in the house ... I spent it on a fling with your best friend Jimmy. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the community in utter disgrace. I'm afraid I also was the one who reported you to the IRS for income tax evasion..."

"That's all right dearest; don't even give it a second thought." said Bill. "I have a small confession too. I'm the one who poisoned you."

☺On The Lighter Side... Don't Be Rude - Wait Your Turn!

DON'T BE RUDE - WAIT YOUR TURN!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said:

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied: 

"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:

"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please,"she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F**k You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said,

"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

☺On The Lighter Side... Ladies vs. Real Women

LADIES VS. REAL WOMEN

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an
instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."





Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies – When pregnant and feeling bloated and tired, try getting extra hours of sleep and ensure you are eating a well balance diet.

Real Women – Quit the damn whining.  Get up off your ass, and go fetch some milk from the barn – the cows won’t milk themselves.  You think you got it rough now, wait till after the baby is born.

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you don't have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.

Ladies – If you chip a nail while golfing, see your manicurist right away as she will have the latest product to fix it and you should be good as new in no time!

Real Women – Screw the manicurist!  Chew the rest of the nail off – it will grow back.  Sand it down with some sandpaper if no nail file is available and get back to cleaning the gutters – winter is approaching.

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate the son-of-a-bitch for you.

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


Real Women - Leftover wine??