DIARY OF A VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE... and more.
(A bit of a twist on the old classic)
Dear Diary:
Day 1Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried... boring. Got more excitement watching my favourite show and wolfing down my favourite snack!
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. (Tell me something I don't already know!) I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
I seen the commercial for Viagra on TV the other day and just had to tell him! Hey honey, there's a pill they keep talking about that you must try. It sounds like it'll make you harder than a Chinese Algebra course.
3 days later....
I wish I would have kept my big mouth shut! This Viagra thing had gone to his head. (No pun intended). Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him.
3 more days later....
Day 10 I think he took one too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of washing the car, he was running around shouting "I'm Frankencock" while repeatedly singing "A Hard Days Night". I was going crazy.
Day 11
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Liquor! Listen, it was all great the first half hour but I got shit to do. What am I gonna do?
Day 12
This viagra thing is really starting to get to me. I mean, he can't even go outside anymore never mind go to work. Every time he tries to head out the door the neighborhood cats are waiting to pounce on that thing!
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 15
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 16
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.
Day 17
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me Mother Theresa revs his motor.
Day 20
I may just have to kill him... or maybe I won't have to. I mean this guy had more "seamen" than the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan and God gave men a penis and a brain but only enough blood to run one head at a time... so I might get lucky. And at least he'll go out the way he wanted to: his head held high and STIFF. But knowing my luck, I won't be able to close the casket... alterations will have to be made.
To Eat or Not to Eat
One morning a long-wed couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..."
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite."
Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..."
The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra."
Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls."
The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite."
The wife then firmly says "Well, I'm starving. I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"
Viagara - Not Just For Sex
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I'm over 80 - I don't need them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
Viagra Confession Time
An old man goes into the confession booth and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I made love to two 18-year-old college girls I picked up hitchhiking."The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never, Father. I'm Jewish."
"Oh. Then why are you telling me this?"
"It's not just you," he said. "Hell, I'm telling everybody!"
Viagra and Ben Gay
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and
takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"
and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the
pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that
are you?"
The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."
Viagara Exercises
Too Much Viagra
Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could
have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "$10 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"
The Viagra Collection
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